you can have all this world...

Yesterday at staff meeting Bruce Caroll started playing an old hymn that I haven't heard since 2007. It took me back to a moment when I was sitting on a patio one summer evening in southern Spain where I lived at the time, where me and a bunch of Americans sang this same hymn.

The words are simple but profound. The last few lines are, "When I come to die, when I come to die, oh when I come to die, give me Jesus, give me Jesus. You can have all this world, give me Jesus, give me Jesus."

I understand the lines, "When I come to die," not in a physical sense, but more an attitude of when I come to die to my self, my selfish wants and desires, when I come to surrender my life, give me Jesus instead. In essence having and knowing Jesus is more important than any other outside thing that once took precedence.

This week I have been studying 2 Corinthians 4:1-6. Verse 6 especially stuck out to me. "For God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God seen in the face of Jesus Christ."

He made his light of knowing the glory of God shine into our hearts. When I think of seeing the glory of God on earth, I usually imagine him doing big and great things, drawing tons of people to himself.

And yet it says, his glory is actually seen in the face of Jesus.

Maybe I'm trying to find his glory in outside things, like my work, what I do, my feelings of okay-ness based on my merit or my productive-ness for him. And instead it's in the face of Jesus.

Often times I don't want to come and die, I don't want to surrender, I want what I want more than Jesus. I want this world more and I want Jesus less. And when I see that surface in my life, when I see my lack of love and sacrifice for others.... I see my sin and my need for his grace.

This week I've been listening to a lot of sermons by Pastor Judah Smith and he said this and it has just stuck with me all week: "Grace is more a person than a principle. Jesus is the personification of grace. He is the embodiment of grace. If you're looking for grace, if you want to learn about grace, if you want to study grace, if you want to understand grace, look to Jesus and look no further."

It's not about me and what I do or don't do or how I feel I'm doing or even having the right attitudes, its all about Jesus and what he has accomplished for me on the cross by God's grace.

And so the common thread through this song, this verse, and this quote that God has brought to the forefront of my mind and heart this week, is Jesus. Everything I need, everything I want is in Jesus. Everything I fail at and lack is covered in Jesus. He is the grace that I need and when I look to him, I see God's glory in his face. That makes me want to know him more.

And when I know him as God's Grace and God's Glory I can truly say, "You can have all this world, give me Jesus, give me Jesus."

The woman, the girl, and Jesus

So this morning I was studying Mark 5:21-43 and had a lot of thoughts and observations. I just love Jesus and getting to know him through his words, his actions, his interactions and his life in the Gospels.

Basically a synagogue ruler comes up to Jesus and asks him to come heal his dying daughter. On the way to go do that, this woman who had been subject to bleeding for 12 years and no doctor could heal her, came up behind Jesus and touched his cloak because she thought if I just touch him, I will be healed. Power goes out from Jesus, she's healed. So here are my observations and thoughts.

1.  This woman came to Jesus out of desperation and she originally came to Jesus to get something. It says she spent all she had on other doctors and instead of getting better, she was getting worse. Once power went out from Jesus, immediately she was healed. Then she hid. And Jesus was looking around and asking who touched me? Finally she comes up to him and "fell at his feet and trembling with fear she told him the whole truth." He said to her "Daughter your faith has healed you go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

A lot of times people come to Jesus cause he is the last thing that could work in their situation. After all else has failed, they come to him. Often times in ministry, I see people come to Jesus to get something, they turn to God when they need something. They come back to church after a break up, when the person had failed them. But I love that Jesus didn't just let her get the healing and disappear, he made her confront him in a much deeper way, a way she probably didn't want. It says she came trembling in fear. Uncomfortable. Inconvenient.  He calls her out. That is my prayer in ministry. I don't care why people come or what their motive is, cause honestly a lot of people come to YAC to get something for themselves, and usually it is to meet someone or find a relationship, or get their little group of friends. That is ok, but my prayer is that Jesus makes them confront him in a much deeper way, that he does a work in their heart once they are in his presence. Whether they find the thing they are looking for or not, I pray that they will find what their hearts ultimately want in Jesus, I pray that they will confront Jesus in new ways, uncomfortable ways, and have a life healed and transformed by his power.

2.  The girl that Jesus went to heal was 12 years old. The woman who reached out to touch Jesus had been bleeding for 12 years, the entire lifetime of the little girl. The family of the little girl went on her behalf to ask Jesus to lay his hands on her and heal her. The woman reached out to Jesus and laid her hands on Jesus.

Some people come to Jesus out of awareness of their own need. Other's come because people are praying for them, inviting them, asking Jesus on their behalf to heal them to meet them where they are. . And I think that just shows, Jesus works in our lives in tailor-made ways. He doesn't fit into any formula or work according to a method.

3.  Right after Jesus healed the woman, it says, "While Jesus was still speaking, some men came from the house or Jarius, the synagogue ruler. "Your daughter is dead, they said. Why bother the teacher any more?" Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, don't be afraid, just believe."  The woman had enough faith to go to Jesus and just touch him, whereas the synagogue ruler and his people were like, "why bother now?"

I think we do that with Jesus too, like, "well he didn't come through for me, so why bother now?" Sure he just came through for someone else, but he couldn't do that for me. Or we limit his abilities, like they trusted and believed enough to go ask him to heal a dying girl, but once she was dead, they didn't believe he could do anything about that. And I see myself doing that, "well I believe God can do this easy thing in my life, but not that impossible thing. So why bother now?"

4.  The woman fell at Jesus' feet, yet Jesus called the little girl to "get up." "He took her by the hand and said to her "Talitha koum!" (which means little girl, I say to you get up)." Immediately she stood up and walked around. Verse 29 says "Immediately her bleeding stopped and she fell to the ground..." Verse 42 says, "Immediately the girl stood up and walked around..."

Sometimes Jesus' work in our lives cause us to fall at his feet and tell him the whole truth, to confess and worship. Other times, he calls us to get up, to move forward, he breathes new life into us. As a result of Jesus' work in both cases, healing happens immediately. But I think it's interesting though Jesus did immediate work, maybe the work wasn't so immediate, maybe God was preparing them each for the past 12 years for this moment where they would encounter the power of Jesus and their lives would be changed by the person of Christ.

And this helps me, because maybe when I am praying for something immediate and God doesn't work immediately, maybe that doesn't mean he won't one day. It's all a process, but he gets us to certain places and times when we encounter him in life altering ways. And in between those moments where we experience his power, he is still deeply at work, powerfully at work, work that will display his glory just like it did with the woman and the little girl.

Soul Detox

I have been reading the book "Soul Detox" by Craig Groeschel, who is becoming one of my favorite pastors. I bought the book cause I heard him preach this message derived from the book. And it has been really helpful in my walk with God recently.

Last week I found myself on this downward spiral just in my thoughts and attitudes. Especially in feeling discouraged and overwhelmed in ministry. I have a ton of vacation days and have to use them all by July 1st or they go away, so I decided to take almost this whole week off. So I've had time to get away, be still, be with God, and read his word and also this book. I took this time also to keep my phone off, not check email, Facebook or Twitter! Which is soooo refreshing!

This book is wonderful, the part I am diving into is the part it talks about toxic thoughts, thoughts that control us: negative thoughts, fearful thoughts, bitter thoughts and critical thoughts. "Most of life's battles are won or lost in the mind."

"Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life." ~ Pr. 4:23

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor. 10:5

So as I was praying through some of this stuff, I felt like God was encouraging me to identify different negative thoughts I have and lies I believe and then find truth in scripture that fights against them. I was hoping that the book would have a list but going through God's word on my own searching for specific things applying specifically to me is so much more powerful. This is such a practical way to take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ.

Here are some examples:

LIE: "You don't have what it takes." TRUTH: "in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Cor. 9:8

LIE: "You're such an idiot." TRUTH: "You are precious and honored in my sight." Is 43:4

LIE: "I'm bad at making decisions." TRUTH: "You are in Christ Jesus who has become for us wisdom from God." 1 Cor 1:30

LIE: "I should have....(regret)" TRUTH: "it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Pr. 19:21

and there are so many more. I love God's word and want to fill my mind more and more with his truth so I have it there to fight "the battles of the mind."

"For as [a person] thinks in his heart, so is he" Pr. 23:7

miracles happen

Yesterday I was driving home and I was stressing out about some things with my job.  As I stopped behind this car, I recognized the car because it stood out to me a few years ago when I was driving behind it one night.  What made me recognize this car was the bumper sticker on the back.  It says, "MIRACLES HAPPEN."

The reason I remembered that so clearly was because in 2009 at the time I saw that bumper sticker I had been looking for a job for a year and a half.  I saw that bumper sticker and I drove behind it just staring at it, praying like, "God, I need a miracle, I need you to provide a job." And really believing he could do a miracle for me.

At the time I was involved with helping start up the Young Adult Community at Hope.  My dream was that Hope would hire me to do that as a job.  I remember my mom telling me that it was going to be impossible cause Hope was letting people go and they were on a hiring freeze.

But in December '09 they hired me.  It was a miracle to me.

Yesterday when I saw that bumper sticker I thought to my self, I am stressed out about my miracle. I stopped worrying and stressing and began to just praise God.  He did the impossible, I live in such a gift.  If he can do that, then I can trust him with the minor details of the job, that he's got it because he made the whole thing happen.

He makes miracles happen.

creating enviroments

Ever since I was little I valued my environment.  I remember wanting my own room so bad that I moved into the bathroom, I wanted to create a space that was mine and I could make it how I wanted it. It was kinda weird that I did that and valued that so much.

When I got a little older (like 11) we moved and I got my own room. I spent so much time and effort decorating it and setting the atmosphere. I remember getting the lighting with my lava lamp, halogen lamp and candles just right.  Then I would play music by Mariah Carey and just bask in this comfortable, relaxing environment I created. Again kinda quirky.

When I got older (like 20) I was in college and I remember beginning to create environments to connect people. I started a Bible study for some girls at my house and I threw parties all the time. I spent my senior year connecting some freshman girls to the greater Christian community at my college.  I especially remember spending like 8 hours some days at the coffee shop on campus where every hour different friends and groups of people would come and hang out with me.  They would stop by cause they knew I was there, just ready to talk and hang out. I used that place to introduce people and create this environment for connection.  People thought I was crazy for spending that much time hanging out in one place.

The reason I reflect on it is because I can see how God used something that has always been true of me and kinda weird about me since I was little for something with purpose and for his kingdom now.

What I do for my job with the Young Adult Community is I create and provide environments, atmospheres, for young people to connect and grow in their faith together.

I was organizing my file drawer at work the other day and I found some old excel sheets and just lists and lists of names.  About 500 young adults have been through this ministry.  I was blown away by looking at all these names. People who have found community even if it was only for a short period of time through this ministry. Everyone cycles in and out.  But while they have been around, they have connected with others in a Christ-centered community through an environment.

Though some don't stay long, many others have found life long friends or the people they will marry and spend the rest of their life with all from a strange little quirk about me that God has attached purpose to:  my love for creating environments for connection and relationship in Christ.

new-ness

I went on a walk in my neighborhood last week and noticing how beautiful all the yards were it inspired me to work on my yard and plant some flowers and make it look better.

So yesterday I went out and bought a bunch of yard tools and soil and flowers.  And I really just intended to plant the flowers.  Not until I started working on my yard did I realize how much work needed to be done.  I had piles and piles of old leaves, tons of over grown bushes and branches and weeds. The thing is I didn't even realize it cause from just looking at it, you couldn't tell cause it was just in certain places, not the main part of the yard. But as I started raking and cutting I realized how bad it was and how much there was. I ended up spending 5 hours just preparing to plant.

It felt so good to work hard on something and see a difference at the end of the day. But before I can plant the flowers, I had to get rid of a lot of old dead leaves and overgrown branches that caused clutter. (the picture is of everything I got rid of)

And it just made me realize how God works on us and on anything he wants to grow and make more beautiful.  He has to cut away and remove dead things in our lives, maybe things that once thrived but have lost life. He has to cut away at branches that no longer bear fruit.  Sometimes it's painful and like, ahhh what is God doing? Especially when we want to hold onto the past.  But as I raked the dead leaves, underneath them we're more leaves, wet, rotting leaves with slugs and spiders. It was gross. And it's like why would you want to hold onto that and keep that?

But what he is doing by removing dead things from our lives and cutting away at us is he is getting us ready for something better, something more beautiful and more fruitful.  He is preparing to plant new-ness. New beauty. New life.

"He has made everything beautiful in it's time." Ecc. 3:11

creative best

When I like something, I love it! I've always been that way, whatever I'm into, I'm so fully into it and passionate about it. Right now there are a few prominent spiritual leaders that I look up to and admire so much. I listen to their sermons and messages and study how they lead... all the time. They help my faith grow, they inspire me, and keep me motivated.

I watch them making such a large impact on the world, they communicate the Gospel so effectively, they lead in great, bold ways, they lead people to Christ and they challenge people who are walking with God. 

And I am in awe of that. So much so that I have found myself comparing myself to them. I want to lead like them! I want to do greater things for God like them! I want to speak like them! I want to be a part of a great movement of God like them!  

The funny thing is I am so different than these people I admire so much. I feel myself being like God, if you made me more like this or I had a story like them, then I could be so much more effective like them. My tendency is to want to just copy their style and ideas and I have done this in ministry just because it impacted me so much.

But I feel recently like God is showing me that he doesn't want me to be them, he wants me to be me. He doesn't want me to be another Christine Caine, he wants me to be Molly Ruff. 

"That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse.  We have far more interesting things to do with our lives.  Each of us is an original." ~ Gal. 5:26

When you watch "The Voice" or any show like that, the thing that makes the difference between a good artist and a great artist is when they "know themselves." You hear a judge say something like, "You know who you are, you have a unique style that makes to stand out, I haven't heard anyone like you." And they are criticized if they sound exactly like another famous artist because they are similar but not as good as the original.

So I am asking God to help me lead like I would lead. To help me speak and lead out of my personality and who he has made me rather than who I want to be like. Here are some verses that are helping me in this:

"But if you are content to be yourself, you will become more than yourself." ~ Luke 14:11

"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." ~ Gal. 6:4-5

When I try to imitate an original, it never comes out as good.  It also takes way less work and creative energy to copy. But if I spend less time looking around at others and more time listening to God and what he wants me to do, it's more work, it's more challenging, it's more creative energy, it's more focus and it gives him way more room to work out something new and original through me. 

This challenges me to do the creative best I can with who I am and the ministry he has chosen me, not a cheap imitation of someone else, but me to lead. I will sink my self into that.