anna

This morning when i woke up I had the urge to read back over a work book called "Sonship" that I went thru for about 4 or 5 months during my time in Spain. And it reminded me of a woman who left a huge impact on my life. She walked with me, talked with me, cried with me, and laughed ALOT with me through every struggle and joy I had in living overseas for a year and a half.

Her name is Anna. She was my mentor. Every Friday evening we would go to a a different tapas bar and thoroughly dove into the real Spanish culture cuisine together: ham, olives, olive oil, cured ham and more ham. Some nights were spent in loud smokey bars, or in loud smokey coffee shops, (once we went to an elegant smokey bar) or in little cobble stone plazas, or sitting on a terrace over looking the city.

Mainly she just listened to me share my struggles, my passions, tell my most recent funny stories, and pour my heart out to her. What I remember most is that with her I felt safe to open up and be vulnerable. She cared and loved me for just who I was, just where I was at in life. She resembled so clearly Christ's love. SHe would sit always point me to Jesus and assure me he was working in me. She was a breath of fresh air.... ha especially in all those smokey bars/coffee shops. haha

So today as I remember how someone reached out and loved me and helped me grow closer to God, I feel thankful for Anna. THough we are so far removed from our Friday night dates in the rich, cultural, Spanish world, her impact on my life remains strong and her investment continues on to do what God has called us to do: bear fruit. I hope to carry that on and give what she gave to me, to others.

emptying my goggles of tears

So I haven't written on my blogs for months. BUt i've decided to start writing again more frequently.

Yesterday I discovered a new talent of mine, swimming fast and crying hard simultaneously. It takes alot to get the breathing and sobbing just right. THe reason that I was crying hasn't changed from what I've been discouraged by all year long: desperately needing and wanting job to support myself.

I think of all the resumes, cover letters, interviews, high hopes and deep let downs over this past year... and every month thinking this is the month I will get a job! But only disappointment has come from my expectant heart. I have lived at home since november and just feeling so ready to move out on my own... i mean I have lived on my own not only in college but overseas as well, coming back home is humbling and not easy.

But something happened last night. I went to meet people from bible study for dinner very reluctantly because I was so sad about my circumstances. ANd what I found was a whole group of people who were in the same place in life as me. We all found we are not alone in moving back home, or crying while exercising, or looking for jobs, or not getting the job that everyone told us, "oh you are a shoe in". I found community last night, not forced, not surface, but real comfort in finding that I am not alone. There are so many people out there in my boat. Young like me, looking for jobs like me, trying to move out like me.

So my encouragement to people in this struggle is what someone once said to me about suffering, "But there is good news, the deeper your suffering, the deeper your joy will be. They go hand in hand. Grief and sadness are always present on the road to wisdom, joy, hope, and intimacy with God.”

You can be taught about suffering, you can read about it, but the only thing that will shape your character and teach you to really love God is through experiencing suffering. And that is a reason to rejoice and be thankful when our circumstances seem excrutiating. Jesus endured the deepest suffering and it lead to life for all of us. So as we suffer we can know that it leads to more abundant life and joy in knowing GOd intimately through such pain. He's been through it worse, he understands and cares.