100 fold and the blue city

I was bawling at the airport as I was saying goodbye to my parents before I left America to move to Spain for the next year and a half of my life. When I hugged my dad I told him, knowing he already knew, "following God is hard." Then I stepped through security and didn't see them for the next 10 months until they came to Spain to visit me.

About 6 months later I was on a train headed to the border to get on a ferry to go to North Africa. I was with some other Americans and we were talking about when Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive 100 times as much in this present age and in the age to come, eternal life" ~ Mark 10:28. We were discussing the fact that Jesus said, "in this present age" and what did that mean, what would that look like?

We went to a town called Cheffchaouen in Morocco. This is my favorite town in Morocco because it is first of all less chaotic feeling than the rest of the country but also because the whole city is painted blue. Every building, the side walks, the doors are all covered in carolina blue paint. It is so unique. So our last night there we ate a fancy meal on the rooftop of a blue restaurant. We ate moroccan soup, fresh baked bread, cous cous, tagine and chocolate moose for dessert. As we sat on the rooftop on that warm, summer night in North Africa we watched the sunset paint the sky with bright oranges, yellow and pink as it set over the blue city.

"So this," I said, soaking in the unique-ness of everything around me in that moment, "this must be part of the 100 fold."

Remembering this gives me assurance that even as I am in another place where each day, each step feels harder, more vague, scary, and uncertain, it is worth it. That as we follow God even when it is hard, when we leave our security for His sake and entrust ourselves to His, we are promised "100 times as much in this present age and in the age to come, eternal life". And what we believe about the future affects how we live in the present. Since Jesus left his home, his father, his perfect situation and his security for our sakes it must mean we were worth it to him. Only that kind of love can draw us to do the same.

beyonce and jesus

"Can you keep up?"~ Beyonce.

This one night a few years ago I was driving down 51 in Charlotte. I looked at the car next to me and this guy I used to know in college was driving next to me with his window rolled down and was looking at me waving and shouting my name. We pulled over and had a little reunion on the side of the road. So we decided to go to a bar to hang out. After that night I never saw him again. But he said one thing that stuck with me since then. He had gone to Romania and people formed this long line to receive these health supplies they were distributing. "The thing is, everyone was pushing and shoving to get to the front, everyone was fighting over there place in line. How different yet alike we all are. Everyone in the world cares about their place in line."

It's so true. I think the world paints this false illusion that we are all in competition with one another to get to the front of the line. A collective voice of advertisements, tv, magazines, billboards, songs, etc, tells us that we need to buy this, be that, and look like this in order to keep up with each other, in order to get ahead. Spend your money, time and energy on whatever it tells you you need in order to push your way to the front. Even our driving reflects this truth, who can get to the stop light first? People obey the voice with such vigor and delight because it promises life and validation at the front.

And you know what would be really ironic and hilarious? If at the end of life God nonchalantly picked up the line by both ends with the tips of his fingers and turned it around making the front the back and the back the front. Then everyone who had worked so vigorously, spending their lives fighting to get to the front of the line would find that they just lost the "competition" they thought they were in. They would find that they were last. All that hard work to get themselves ahead just put them behind. And those who spent their lives letting others in and putting others ahead of themselves were humbly, casually, carelessly, selflessly making their way to the front with out even trying.

"but many who are first will be last, and the last first." ~ Jesus

painting with black

Value. Value is one of the basic and essential elements in art.

I paint for fun sometimes. My style is messy, large, fast strokes, lots of color and lots of value. I paint an object real dark and put the lightest, brightest colors right up next to the dark and it gives the painting depth, shape, and form, it makes the objects jump off the page. Such opposite colors make for such strong value.

So if our lives were a canvas and our expereinces were the colors and God was the artist I would say God likes to use value.

I remember the first time this ever dawned on me. I was 16 and I was in Brazil. We had about a week straight of rainy days and the last day was sunny and beautiful, that also happened to be the day we all went to the beach. And I appreciated the sunny day so much more because we had had so much rain, that I was actually thankful for the rain because it made the sun all the more enjoyable, all the more bright. Contrast.

Or the time I was on crutches and sooooo sad that I couldn’t run or walk, but after I healed every step was like an amazing expereince all of it’s own. I savored each step, I savored walking. Contrast.

Or the time I had no friends in middle school and years later realizing I had more friends than I could even count. Hundreds of friends, friends from around the world. Contrast.

Dark intensifies light, pain intensifies joy, separation intensifies reuniting, black intensifies white.

And if I look at my life now, I think maybe God is painting with black. It’s the uncertain, the unknown, the where am I going? Will I get a job? Will I know what to do? The more days go by the more I wonder if God has forgotten about me. But then I remember how he has always remembered me and I trust that even when can't see it, he is painting contrast into my life. At first I resist the dark hues, but I believe that this hard time will soon contrast with glory, “a weight of glory that far out weighs the suffering”. I think I am going thru a hard time that I will actually be thankful for later, so I choose to be thankful for it now. Value, contrast, and colors are being painted in and that will give depth, shape and form to my character and my life.

And what matters in it all is the way the art reflects the talent of the artist.

my life in memphis

I came to Memphis in November. I arrived exhausted from my travels over the previous months. I came to rest in my parents home and just be and definitely not travel. I did nothing besides rest for all of November and December I thoroughly enjoyed the holidays American style and soaked in what it was to be home for the holidays (since last year I wasn't here for any holiday).

In January I spent the first week on line all day every day looking for jobs. And every day ended in discouragement. I was feeling so detached from life and from people. I kept thinking, "I am gonna get a job in another city and leave in like a week." I soon realized that probably wasn't probable. And I got to the point where I decided to BE HERE NOW. To be fully in Memphis, fully engaged in life and in the lives of those around me. I began volunteering as a leader for the youth and college ministries. I decided to put more of an effort in making friends even though I know more than ever the cost of investment in people and the pain of goodbyes. Though I have said good bye soooo many times to soooo many people I find the cost no matter how painful is always worth it.

I spend my days differently, I usually run in the mornings which is such a gift to have time to do. Some days, I work in the kitchen at church other evenings I go up to church for youth group or college, I get to hang out, go to coffee with friends, shop with my mom on her days off and go to lunch with people. I go to coffee shops and study Spanish, one day a week I skype with one of my Spanish friends, which is awesome! I swim when I get free passes to go to the pool. The past week I have been working on a talk I gave to some of the women in the church. Sometimes I swing at the park haha, its so fun! Each week and day is different. Today Jessica and I went up to the University of Memphis and had lunch with some of the college students. And of course I spend a lot of time looking for jobs. I apply and send out resumes, mostly I try to network since that is the way most jobs seem to come about. I was reading a book about finding a job, it said, "you aren't unemployed, you are just between opportunities" haha I like that. So I guess that's where I am, "between opportunities".