100 fold and the blue city

I was bawling at the airport as I was saying goodbye to my parents before I left America to move to Spain for the next year and a half of my life. When I hugged my dad I told him, knowing he already knew, "following God is hard." Then I stepped through security and didn't see them for the next 10 months until they came to Spain to visit me.

About 6 months later I was on a train headed to the border to get on a ferry to go to North Africa. I was with some other Americans and we were talking about when Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive 100 times as much in this present age and in the age to come, eternal life" ~ Mark 10:28. We were discussing the fact that Jesus said, "in this present age" and what did that mean, what would that look like?

We went to a town called Cheffchaouen in Morocco. This is my favorite town in Morocco because it is first of all less chaotic feeling than the rest of the country but also because the whole city is painted blue. Every building, the side walks, the doors are all covered in carolina blue paint. It is so unique. So our last night there we ate a fancy meal on the rooftop of a blue restaurant. We ate moroccan soup, fresh baked bread, cous cous, tagine and chocolate moose for dessert. As we sat on the rooftop on that warm, summer night in North Africa we watched the sunset paint the sky with bright oranges, yellow and pink as it set over the blue city.

"So this," I said, soaking in the unique-ness of everything around me in that moment, "this must be part of the 100 fold."

Remembering this gives me assurance that even as I am in another place where each day, each step feels harder, more vague, scary, and uncertain, it is worth it. That as we follow God even when it is hard, when we leave our security for His sake and entrust ourselves to His, we are promised "100 times as much in this present age and in the age to come, eternal life". And what we believe about the future affects how we live in the present. Since Jesus left his home, his father, his perfect situation and his security for our sakes it must mean we were worth it to him. Only that kind of love can draw us to do the same.

beyonce and jesus

"Can you keep up?"~ Beyonce.

This one night a few years ago I was driving down 51 in Charlotte. I looked at the car next to me and this guy I used to know in college was driving next to me with his window rolled down and was looking at me waving and shouting my name. We pulled over and had a little reunion on the side of the road. So we decided to go to a bar to hang out. After that night I never saw him again. But he said one thing that stuck with me since then. He had gone to Romania and people formed this long line to receive these health supplies they were distributing. "The thing is, everyone was pushing and shoving to get to the front, everyone was fighting over there place in line. How different yet alike we all are. Everyone in the world cares about their place in line."

It's so true. I think the world paints this false illusion that we are all in competition with one another to get to the front of the line. A collective voice of advertisements, tv, magazines, billboards, songs, etc, tells us that we need to buy this, be that, and look like this in order to keep up with each other, in order to get ahead. Spend your money, time and energy on whatever it tells you you need in order to push your way to the front. Even our driving reflects this truth, who can get to the stop light first? People obey the voice with such vigor and delight because it promises life and validation at the front.

And you know what would be really ironic and hilarious? If at the end of life God nonchalantly picked up the line by both ends with the tips of his fingers and turned it around making the front the back and the back the front. Then everyone who had worked so vigorously, spending their lives fighting to get to the front of the line would find that they just lost the "competition" they thought they were in. They would find that they were last. All that hard work to get themselves ahead just put them behind. And those who spent their lives letting others in and putting others ahead of themselves were humbly, casually, carelessly, selflessly making their way to the front with out even trying.

"but many who are first will be last, and the last first." ~ Jesus

painting with black

Value. Value is one of the basic and essential elements in art.

I paint for fun sometimes. My style is messy, large, fast strokes, lots of color and lots of value. I paint an object real dark and put the lightest, brightest colors right up next to the dark and it gives the painting depth, shape, and form, it makes the objects jump off the page. Such opposite colors make for such strong value.

So if our lives were a canvas and our expereinces were the colors and God was the artist I would say God likes to use value.

I remember the first time this ever dawned on me. I was 16 and I was in Brazil. We had about a week straight of rainy days and the last day was sunny and beautiful, that also happened to be the day we all went to the beach. And I appreciated the sunny day so much more because we had had so much rain, that I was actually thankful for the rain because it made the sun all the more enjoyable, all the more bright. Contrast.

Or the time I was on crutches and sooooo sad that I couldn’t run or walk, but after I healed every step was like an amazing expereince all of it’s own. I savored each step, I savored walking. Contrast.

Or the time I had no friends in middle school and years later realizing I had more friends than I could even count. Hundreds of friends, friends from around the world. Contrast.

Dark intensifies light, pain intensifies joy, separation intensifies reuniting, black intensifies white.

And if I look at my life now, I think maybe God is painting with black. It’s the uncertain, the unknown, the where am I going? Will I get a job? Will I know what to do? The more days go by the more I wonder if God has forgotten about me. But then I remember how he has always remembered me and I trust that even when can't see it, he is painting contrast into my life. At first I resist the dark hues, but I believe that this hard time will soon contrast with glory, “a weight of glory that far out weighs the suffering”. I think I am going thru a hard time that I will actually be thankful for later, so I choose to be thankful for it now. Value, contrast, and colors are being painted in and that will give depth, shape and form to my character and my life.

And what matters in it all is the way the art reflects the talent of the artist.

my life in memphis

I came to Memphis in November. I arrived exhausted from my travels over the previous months. I came to rest in my parents home and just be and definitely not travel. I did nothing besides rest for all of November and December I thoroughly enjoyed the holidays American style and soaked in what it was to be home for the holidays (since last year I wasn't here for any holiday).

In January I spent the first week on line all day every day looking for jobs. And every day ended in discouragement. I was feeling so detached from life and from people. I kept thinking, "I am gonna get a job in another city and leave in like a week." I soon realized that probably wasn't probable. And I got to the point where I decided to BE HERE NOW. To be fully in Memphis, fully engaged in life and in the lives of those around me. I began volunteering as a leader for the youth and college ministries. I decided to put more of an effort in making friends even though I know more than ever the cost of investment in people and the pain of goodbyes. Though I have said good bye soooo many times to soooo many people I find the cost no matter how painful is always worth it.

I spend my days differently, I usually run in the mornings which is such a gift to have time to do. Some days, I work in the kitchen at church other evenings I go up to church for youth group or college, I get to hang out, go to coffee with friends, shop with my mom on her days off and go to lunch with people. I go to coffee shops and study Spanish, one day a week I skype with one of my Spanish friends, which is awesome! I swim when I get free passes to go to the pool. The past week I have been working on a talk I gave to some of the women in the church. Sometimes I swing at the park haha, its so fun! Each week and day is different. Today Jessica and I went up to the University of Memphis and had lunch with some of the college students. And of course I spend a lot of time looking for jobs. I apply and send out resumes, mostly I try to network since that is the way most jobs seem to come about. I was reading a book about finding a job, it said, "you aren't unemployed, you are just between opportunities" haha I like that. So I guess that's where I am, "between opportunities".

thanksgiving

(some of the olive groves i used to run through in Spain)

Giving thanks to God. This might be my favorite of all holidays. I like it because it is more about focusing on what we have whereas Christmas, for example, we can often get caught up in what we don't have and what we want.

The theme of praising God has been one really close to my heart over the past 10 years. It all started when I was a depressed, insecure middle schooler, who was negative and jealous all the time. Oprah had this woman on who wrote a book called, "Simple abundance" SHe was talking about writing 5 things each day that you are thankful for. My mom talked me into trying this idea, who knew what a huge, life changing habit this would become for me, transforming my mind, attitude and life. Who knew that I would come to know God through an idea presented on the Oprah show?

Thinking of 5 things I was thankful for was certainly a challenge those first few weeks. I bought a little pad of paper and titled it, "What I have been given today, what I am thankful for today." This became known as my thankful journal.

After a few weeks someone told me they had noticed a change in me, I knew it was from this habit that i was beginning to form, so I that encouraged me to keep at it. THen a beautiful thing began to happen, I found myself being able to think of more than 5 things from each day that i was thankful for. 10 things, then 20 or 30 and eventually 80 or 100 from one day. Soon my little list of praises to God became longer and more detailed. I was even more surprised when I would be going through my day and start to see everything in a new light. A perspective of praise to God, thanksgiving to God in the moment where I was. I would notice things I never had before and think, oh, i've gotta write this down tonight!

This habit grew into a cycle, it was like the more I wrote down that i was thankful for, the more I saw in my life that I had to be thankful for. I saw God in a whole new light, one by which I had never seen him before. A good God, one who cared about my every detail, one that freely poured abundance into my life, a God who is my provider, God who is faithful, one who made me want to pour out to others in assurance that my life was full and would forever be overflowing. I knew I could give everything away and never loose a thing, only continue to be filled each day by him.

It was also cool when I would have a problem, conflict, or really needed God to provide certain things. I could open up all these journals and hold and touch and read this tangible evidence of how God had been faithful to me everyday for the past however many years. I would remember often... and it is quite easy to remember something that is written down.

The thankful journal started out to be about me and about the gifts. But over time it became all about God, teaching me about who he is and the joy of living a life that constantly praises and thanks him. The gifts were merely symbols of the motive by which he gave to me: love, pure, real, abundant love.

It has been 10 years since I started doing this and i still keep it up today. I have recorded around 50,000 different gifts that God has blessed me with since I was 15 years old. Imagine how many millions more that I haven't even written down.

I really think the key to happiness is when life isn't about self. The best way to do this is to look at God and thank him and praise him, then look at others and give from the abundance which we have been given.

rest

(These are pictures from the past couple months, my travels in NC)

I am at home. It feels so good to say that.

These past 3 and a half months have been so wonderful and so tiring. I have been traveling, driving, flying, non-stop ever since I landed on American soil back in July. I am so thankful for all the people I have been able to reconnect with and see again! I went to Kansas and saw family. I have had the best time hanging out with old friends. I went to Cape Carteret to see Susannah and Nate and to Wilmington to see Melissa and Matt. I was in and out of Charlotte for 2 months and 20 days and got to see people like Shannon, Courtney, Katie, and Kat and so many more. I was staying with a wonderful family, the Ardizzones and working a part time job which was supposed to lead to a full time position but it ended up not working out.

Three days ago I finally came home. I drove 10 hours and it felt so great to walk in the door and know that my travels are over (at least until I know when and where I will move next)

I get to be here with Mom and Dad and Amy and John for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I will take this time to reflect on the past 2 years, on Spain, on God's faithfulness through it all. I will also take this time to wait on God for where He is directing me next. But mostly I will use this time to rest. Rest, that word sounds soooooooo... like exactly what I need right now. descansarrrrrr!

Home, family, familiar... After a year and a half of living in another culture, learning a new language, experiencing another world and adapting myself to it, after 2 years of saying goodbyes and hellos and goodbyes and hellos and goodbyes again, after driving over 90 hours in the past 3 months (KS, TN, NC), after a year and a half of traveling all over Morocco and Spain and meeting soooo many different kinds of people from all around the world, after moving 12 times in the past 3 years....

now, I am at home.

working

(These are pictures of where I work)

So I started a new job on Monday! Yes, I am a worker now, like employed in the real world! I love my new job, it is a part time temporary job at Media Comm, Snap 5, and INSP until the full time position for a producer's assistant that I interviewed for at INSP opens up in the next month or two. (It is a long story how I got there, but very cool and definitely from God.)

My job title is called craft services assistant. Basically I make and deliver breakfast to producers and editors. I also re-stock coffee, I wash some dishes and towels. I make sure food and towels are put out for guests that will be on the shows. I am a receptionist for an hour, and I do whatever else they need done. It's great for meeting people in the business and learning about the TV world.

I am reading "To Own a Dragon" by Donald MIller these days. There is a chapter about work. He was talking to his friend who used to dig septic systems and how he prided himself in what he did and would do it so well that no one could tell he had even dug up their yard. He tells Miller this, "There wasn't anything fun about it... but the work was honorable. It made me a better person. Nobody should be ashamed of the work they do, they should do it with pride and do it right... It taught me to take great pride in what I do, to offer people more than what they expect, to do work as unto the Lord."

Ever since my first day of work I have been thinking a lot about this verse, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." ~ Col. 3:23-24

SO as I do these simple jobs, I really try to think about it like this. I try to wash dishes like I am doing it for a meal for Jesus or deliever people's breakfast as if I am serving the Lord or set up make up and dressing rooms as if he were the guest coming to be on the show. And this is why I love my work. When done like that there is something way better than a salary awaiting. As Donald Miller put it, "The idea of work is God's invention, and it is part of our spirituality to do it... Work is worship."