painting with black

Value. Value is one of the basic and essential elements in art.

I paint for fun sometimes. My style is messy, large, fast strokes, lots of color and lots of value. I paint an object real dark and put the lightest, brightest colors right up next to the dark and it gives the painting depth, shape, and form, it makes the objects jump off the page. Such opposite colors make for such strong value.

So if our lives were a canvas and our expereinces were the colors and God was the artist I would say God likes to use value.

I remember the first time this ever dawned on me. I was 16 and I was in Brazil. We had about a week straight of rainy days and the last day was sunny and beautiful, that also happened to be the day we all went to the beach. And I appreciated the sunny day so much more because we had had so much rain, that I was actually thankful for the rain because it made the sun all the more enjoyable, all the more bright. Contrast.

Or the time I was on crutches and sooooo sad that I couldn’t run or walk, but after I healed every step was like an amazing expereince all of it’s own. I savored each step, I savored walking. Contrast.

Or the time I had no friends in middle school and years later realizing I had more friends than I could even count. Hundreds of friends, friends from around the world. Contrast.

Dark intensifies light, pain intensifies joy, separation intensifies reuniting, black intensifies white.

And if I look at my life now, I think maybe God is painting with black. It’s the uncertain, the unknown, the where am I going? Will I get a job? Will I know what to do? The more days go by the more I wonder if God has forgotten about me. But then I remember how he has always remembered me and I trust that even when can't see it, he is painting contrast into my life. At first I resist the dark hues, but I believe that this hard time will soon contrast with glory, “a weight of glory that far out weighs the suffering”. I think I am going thru a hard time that I will actually be thankful for later, so I choose to be thankful for it now. Value, contrast, and colors are being painted in and that will give depth, shape and form to my character and my life.

And what matters in it all is the way the art reflects the talent of the artist.

my life in memphis

I came to Memphis in November. I arrived exhausted from my travels over the previous months. I came to rest in my parents home and just be and definitely not travel. I did nothing besides rest for all of November and December I thoroughly enjoyed the holidays American style and soaked in what it was to be home for the holidays (since last year I wasn't here for any holiday).

In January I spent the first week on line all day every day looking for jobs. And every day ended in discouragement. I was feeling so detached from life and from people. I kept thinking, "I am gonna get a job in another city and leave in like a week." I soon realized that probably wasn't probable. And I got to the point where I decided to BE HERE NOW. To be fully in Memphis, fully engaged in life and in the lives of those around me. I began volunteering as a leader for the youth and college ministries. I decided to put more of an effort in making friends even though I know more than ever the cost of investment in people and the pain of goodbyes. Though I have said good bye soooo many times to soooo many people I find the cost no matter how painful is always worth it.

I spend my days differently, I usually run in the mornings which is such a gift to have time to do. Some days, I work in the kitchen at church other evenings I go up to church for youth group or college, I get to hang out, go to coffee with friends, shop with my mom on her days off and go to lunch with people. I go to coffee shops and study Spanish, one day a week I skype with one of my Spanish friends, which is awesome! I swim when I get free passes to go to the pool. The past week I have been working on a talk I gave to some of the women in the church. Sometimes I swing at the park haha, its so fun! Each week and day is different. Today Jessica and I went up to the University of Memphis and had lunch with some of the college students. And of course I spend a lot of time looking for jobs. I apply and send out resumes, mostly I try to network since that is the way most jobs seem to come about. I was reading a book about finding a job, it said, "you aren't unemployed, you are just between opportunities" haha I like that. So I guess that's where I am, "between opportunities".

thanksgiving

(some of the olive groves i used to run through in Spain)

Giving thanks to God. This might be my favorite of all holidays. I like it because it is more about focusing on what we have whereas Christmas, for example, we can often get caught up in what we don't have and what we want.

The theme of praising God has been one really close to my heart over the past 10 years. It all started when I was a depressed, insecure middle schooler, who was negative and jealous all the time. Oprah had this woman on who wrote a book called, "Simple abundance" SHe was talking about writing 5 things each day that you are thankful for. My mom talked me into trying this idea, who knew what a huge, life changing habit this would become for me, transforming my mind, attitude and life. Who knew that I would come to know God through an idea presented on the Oprah show?

Thinking of 5 things I was thankful for was certainly a challenge those first few weeks. I bought a little pad of paper and titled it, "What I have been given today, what I am thankful for today." This became known as my thankful journal.

After a few weeks someone told me they had noticed a change in me, I knew it was from this habit that i was beginning to form, so I that encouraged me to keep at it. THen a beautiful thing began to happen, I found myself being able to think of more than 5 things from each day that i was thankful for. 10 things, then 20 or 30 and eventually 80 or 100 from one day. Soon my little list of praises to God became longer and more detailed. I was even more surprised when I would be going through my day and start to see everything in a new light. A perspective of praise to God, thanksgiving to God in the moment where I was. I would notice things I never had before and think, oh, i've gotta write this down tonight!

This habit grew into a cycle, it was like the more I wrote down that i was thankful for, the more I saw in my life that I had to be thankful for. I saw God in a whole new light, one by which I had never seen him before. A good God, one who cared about my every detail, one that freely poured abundance into my life, a God who is my provider, God who is faithful, one who made me want to pour out to others in assurance that my life was full and would forever be overflowing. I knew I could give everything away and never loose a thing, only continue to be filled each day by him.

It was also cool when I would have a problem, conflict, or really needed God to provide certain things. I could open up all these journals and hold and touch and read this tangible evidence of how God had been faithful to me everyday for the past however many years. I would remember often... and it is quite easy to remember something that is written down.

The thankful journal started out to be about me and about the gifts. But over time it became all about God, teaching me about who he is and the joy of living a life that constantly praises and thanks him. The gifts were merely symbols of the motive by which he gave to me: love, pure, real, abundant love.

It has been 10 years since I started doing this and i still keep it up today. I have recorded around 50,000 different gifts that God has blessed me with since I was 15 years old. Imagine how many millions more that I haven't even written down.

I really think the key to happiness is when life isn't about self. The best way to do this is to look at God and thank him and praise him, then look at others and give from the abundance which we have been given.

rest

(These are pictures from the past couple months, my travels in NC)

I am at home. It feels so good to say that.

These past 3 and a half months have been so wonderful and so tiring. I have been traveling, driving, flying, non-stop ever since I landed on American soil back in July. I am so thankful for all the people I have been able to reconnect with and see again! I went to Kansas and saw family. I have had the best time hanging out with old friends. I went to Cape Carteret to see Susannah and Nate and to Wilmington to see Melissa and Matt. I was in and out of Charlotte for 2 months and 20 days and got to see people like Shannon, Courtney, Katie, and Kat and so many more. I was staying with a wonderful family, the Ardizzones and working a part time job which was supposed to lead to a full time position but it ended up not working out.

Three days ago I finally came home. I drove 10 hours and it felt so great to walk in the door and know that my travels are over (at least until I know when and where I will move next)

I get to be here with Mom and Dad and Amy and John for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I will take this time to reflect on the past 2 years, on Spain, on God's faithfulness through it all. I will also take this time to wait on God for where He is directing me next. But mostly I will use this time to rest. Rest, that word sounds soooooooo... like exactly what I need right now. descansarrrrrr!

Home, family, familiar... After a year and a half of living in another culture, learning a new language, experiencing another world and adapting myself to it, after 2 years of saying goodbyes and hellos and goodbyes and hellos and goodbyes again, after driving over 90 hours in the past 3 months (KS, TN, NC), after a year and a half of traveling all over Morocco and Spain and meeting soooo many different kinds of people from all around the world, after moving 12 times in the past 3 years....

now, I am at home.

working

(These are pictures of where I work)

So I started a new job on Monday! Yes, I am a worker now, like employed in the real world! I love my new job, it is a part time temporary job at Media Comm, Snap 5, and INSP until the full time position for a producer's assistant that I interviewed for at INSP opens up in the next month or two. (It is a long story how I got there, but very cool and definitely from God.)

My job title is called craft services assistant. Basically I make and deliver breakfast to producers and editors. I also re-stock coffee, I wash some dishes and towels. I make sure food and towels are put out for guests that will be on the shows. I am a receptionist for an hour, and I do whatever else they need done. It's great for meeting people in the business and learning about the TV world.

I am reading "To Own a Dragon" by Donald MIller these days. There is a chapter about work. He was talking to his friend who used to dig septic systems and how he prided himself in what he did and would do it so well that no one could tell he had even dug up their yard. He tells Miller this, "There wasn't anything fun about it... but the work was honorable. It made me a better person. Nobody should be ashamed of the work they do, they should do it with pride and do it right... It taught me to take great pride in what I do, to offer people more than what they expect, to do work as unto the Lord."

Ever since my first day of work I have been thinking a lot about this verse, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." ~ Col. 3:23-24

SO as I do these simple jobs, I really try to think about it like this. I try to wash dishes like I am doing it for a meal for Jesus or deliever people's breakfast as if I am serving the Lord or set up make up and dressing rooms as if he were the guest coming to be on the show. And this is why I love my work. When done like that there is something way better than a salary awaiting. As Donald Miller put it, "The idea of work is God's invention, and it is part of our spirituality to do it... Work is worship."

blank page

I love thinking like that... you know? That every day when we wake up, the day is like a blank page. Anything can be written, anything can happen, anything is possible today. Another page in the story.

I am really at a big crossroads in my life again. I am really needing and depending on God to provide a job, roommates, and a place to live. I am waiting on God. Sometimes I feel myself getting anxious. But if I stop and remember, if I stop and look around me, if I stop and praise God in the moment... I really do see how well taken care of I have been and am even now in this moment.

I remember support raising, I remember getting to Spain with no knowledge of the language, culture or city. I remember how God provided abundantly and perfectly as he taught me the way of life there and gave me friends and the greatest apartment in the city! I remember walking thru the city and thinking, "One day I am gonna wake up and this will all be a dream." Well now that I am back, sometimes, yes I feel like that, but most the time I don't... because I have real love and real relationships that go on well beyond my year and a half in Spain. Then I remember it was real. And I remember how faithful God was thru out my journey there.

Right now I am in Charlotte, NC. I am staying at Ray and Carole Ardizzones home. When I look around this beautiful home and run past these incredible houses in this neighborhood... it really is a dream (once again). This month I don't know what will happen next month or even today for that matter. But this month I get to live in a house that feels like paradise to me while I look for jobs. God didn't just give the bear minimum, he has given me something extravagant to enjoy in this "uncertain" transition.

So I don't know the what the next chapter will be like. But I can be in the "now", enjoy it and be thankful for it and trust God that he is writing a really cool story and letting you and I be a part of it. Making our stories about Him, the greatest, most beautiful. What an honor.

through new eyes

So the other night I went to a concert with katie smith and some people. It was really cool to be in Charlotte and see a bunch of people I knew for the first time in what feels like forever! The concert was some new Christian guy that I haven't heard of because I've been away for so long.

I wish I could describe exactly what I was seeing and feeling as I was watching the concert. I was sitting on a stool and in front of and a little below me was a bunch of people standing in front of the stage. I felt like I was watching my culture through new eyes.

Before I go any further I have to describe what I have known and been seeing for the past year and a half. A culture of young people, a culture of my generation who looks at God with apathy, maybe a little bitterness and actually they don't, for the most part, even look at or consider Him. God is foreign, distant, non-existant, or a great huge tradition. Now, I know I am speaking in a very general sense. I don't know everyone's heart of course. But I was in the middle of these parties where there were thousands upon thousands of people. I talked to many young Spaniards, I learned and asked about their perceptions of God. These are actual things different people have said to me through out my time there:

"oh my gosh!! you actually go to church??? why??" "how can your dad's job be to teach people about God? I mean, what more is there to actually learn about God?" "do protestants believe in one God or many gods? is it a cult? what do they believe?" "molly, when you pray do hear from God?" "molly, it's just not logical that one man could die for all our sins." "I don't have faith in God, I have faith in myself." "molly, Spain pretends to like religion, we have all the crosses and statues of Mary, but really... Spain loves alcohol and Spain loves the party so we have all these religious holidays, but molly, no one really believes it..."

So fast forward thru a year and a half of being around thousands of young people who think like this. Now I am at this Christian concert in America, loud music, lights and a crowd of young people jumping and dancing and lifting their hands and closing their eyes singing about the love of God. I was jealous, I was so jealous for the culture and people I love in Spain.

I watched........ I watched in amazement. I watched in confusion, of why it is so normal for my culture and my American generation to know God loves them and yet His love is so foriegn to so much of the world? I watched in longing, deep longing for my friends in Spain, I wanted them to see this sea of young people who knows they are loved by God. It would be so different, a first for them to see something like this. But maybe if they saw they'd know, maybe they'd believe that there is something more, maybe for the first time they would experience this kind of love, the kind that comes from a God who would actually lay down His life for us and for them. Maybe, they'd see Him through new eyes.