certainty in the uncertain

(there is the golf shop where I work. they have been amazing to me. it is a part time job and when i lost another part time job a few months ago they ended up giving me full time work for the month of Sept and Oct. I love the people i work with there!)

This past week has been amazing! Starting Monday, November 1 the golf shop where I work cut back my hours to part time. I wasn't on the schedule for the whole week until friday. So Monday morning I got a random text message from a personal trainer who owns some gyms in Memphis and asked me to come work part time/temp for him. I went in that day and every day I don't work at the the golf shop. I have really enjoyed that gym and getting to work in an environment I love and my boss is the nicest man.

Tuesday I received a $25 gift card to Panera Bread in the mail from Diane Mitchell which was just the greatest thing because of how much we go out to eat with the young adult ministry.

Wednesday my boss sent me to Whole Foods to pick up some things for him. When I got back I noticed that they had given me his groceries but also accidently given me some one else's groceries. I called them to try to return it and they told me to just keep it. It had 4 fish filets, coffee, turkey, cheese, cottage cheese, milk and a tangerine! Every thing i love!

Thursday my boss told me he had ordered me some new running shoes!

Sat morning when I got home from my run I had a letter sent to me in the mail with no return address. In it was a typed out letter from an anonymous person. They gave me a verse and a note telling me that God would provide for me and cash wrapped up in the note. When i opened it, I just started crying and thanking God... God had shown himself so faithful to me this week. In all these things God is showing me how much he is taking care of me. Even when I don't have a "secure" job, I am sure of my security in him. And as he has shown his faithfulness and provisions to me this week I can trust him in the moment and even more praise him in the moment, in the "uncertainty" for it is certain that he is faithful and he will provide and show the way a step at a time.

"From the fullness of His grace we have received one blessing after another" ~John 1:16

young adult community

Since January I have been meeting with different people from Hope Presbyterian church to plan, pray and talk about starting a young adult ministry at Hope. 6000 people go to this church and there has been nothing for the 20 somehthing age group until now. A few weeks ago we launched the ministry. The past few Sundays we've had our first few meetings and around 70 people have come. Our senior pastor even came up and made an appearance last Sunday to pray for us and show his support of this ministry, right before he had to preach his 4th sermon of the weekend!

This whole thing has been a really cool thing to be a part of. A core team of us has been meeting to plan and organize leadership for the ministry. Everyone has taken different roles where they are really using their different gifts and skills to make the ministry function well.

But mostly what I get from this whole thing is the joy in living for something bigger than myself. The joy in taking part in something that reaches out to people and helps them connect with one another and with God. I really can't describe the joy I get when life isn't so much about me, but when my life can be used in service to further God's kingdom on earth and to see others take part in serving and giving and growing closer to him. I am content... very content in my life right now. Im still looking for a full time job etc... but that has become something that I have learned to worry about less and trust God with so much more. Contentment and Joy have replaced worry and dissatisfaction. it is nice.

anna

This morning when i woke up I had the urge to read back over a work book called "Sonship" that I went thru for about 4 or 5 months during my time in Spain. And it reminded me of a woman who left a huge impact on my life. She walked with me, talked with me, cried with me, and laughed ALOT with me through every struggle and joy I had in living overseas for a year and a half.

Her name is Anna. She was my mentor. Every Friday evening we would go to a a different tapas bar and thoroughly dove into the real Spanish culture cuisine together: ham, olives, olive oil, cured ham and more ham. Some nights were spent in loud smokey bars, or in loud smokey coffee shops, (once we went to an elegant smokey bar) or in little cobble stone plazas, or sitting on a terrace over looking the city.

Mainly she just listened to me share my struggles, my passions, tell my most recent funny stories, and pour my heart out to her. What I remember most is that with her I felt safe to open up and be vulnerable. She cared and loved me for just who I was, just where I was at in life. She resembled so clearly Christ's love. SHe would sit always point me to Jesus and assure me he was working in me. She was a breath of fresh air.... ha especially in all those smokey bars/coffee shops. haha

So today as I remember how someone reached out and loved me and helped me grow closer to God, I feel thankful for Anna. THough we are so far removed from our Friday night dates in the rich, cultural, Spanish world, her impact on my life remains strong and her investment continues on to do what God has called us to do: bear fruit. I hope to carry that on and give what she gave to me, to others.

emptying my goggles of tears

So I haven't written on my blogs for months. BUt i've decided to start writing again more frequently.

Yesterday I discovered a new talent of mine, swimming fast and crying hard simultaneously. It takes alot to get the breathing and sobbing just right. THe reason that I was crying hasn't changed from what I've been discouraged by all year long: desperately needing and wanting job to support myself.

I think of all the resumes, cover letters, interviews, high hopes and deep let downs over this past year... and every month thinking this is the month I will get a job! But only disappointment has come from my expectant heart. I have lived at home since november and just feeling so ready to move out on my own... i mean I have lived on my own not only in college but overseas as well, coming back home is humbling and not easy.

But something happened last night. I went to meet people from bible study for dinner very reluctantly because I was so sad about my circumstances. ANd what I found was a whole group of people who were in the same place in life as me. We all found we are not alone in moving back home, or crying while exercising, or looking for jobs, or not getting the job that everyone told us, "oh you are a shoe in". I found community last night, not forced, not surface, but real comfort in finding that I am not alone. There are so many people out there in my boat. Young like me, looking for jobs like me, trying to move out like me.

So my encouragement to people in this struggle is what someone once said to me about suffering, "But there is good news, the deeper your suffering, the deeper your joy will be. They go hand in hand. Grief and sadness are always present on the road to wisdom, joy, hope, and intimacy with God.”

You can be taught about suffering, you can read about it, but the only thing that will shape your character and teach you to really love God is through experiencing suffering. And that is a reason to rejoice and be thankful when our circumstances seem excrutiating. Jesus endured the deepest suffering and it lead to life for all of us. So as we suffer we can know that it leads to more abundant life and joy in knowing GOd intimately through such pain. He's been through it worse, he understands and cares.

spaniards and safari

One day we were out to eat at this outside restaurant we were sitting around talking for a while after we had finished. At 2:30 a group comes in and sits down. They all order beer and I hear faint accents of Spain Spanish. My back was facing them, but I knew, especially by the beer, yes, those are my beloved people group of the world, Spaniards! I finally got the nerve to go up to them and speak with them in Spanish. It was so great meeting them and laughing with them, they were in Kenya to go on Safaris man it made me miss Espana.

When we went to the lodge where we stayed during the safari, I heard that familiar accent again. A huge group from Spain was there too. I got to know some of them, they would say certain phrases in their sentences that is just so typical spain, my heart just melted and reminded me so much of my Spanish friends. I was thinking, "oh please say that again." I talked to some of them a long time by the pool one afternoon. It was just a gift from God I feel like.

The safari's were absolutely incredible. Words and even pictures can not capture what we experienced out there. We saw hundreds of elephants right up close, a family of lions taking a nap, a field full of zebras, gazelles, antelope, and tope. Then we came upon a dead elephant. A hyena was eating it and a huge group of vultures were waiting for the hyena to leave so they could eat too. Then we saw all these giraffes start to gallop in the distance. A little one began to shake and stumble. Our driver said, "look that one is cripple." But then it fell to the ground and we drove closer. We saw that it had just been shot with a bow and arrow by a Maasai. We watched this group of giraffes lean over the fallen one and watch it slowly die. It was really sad and really crazy that we actually saw that. Our driver told us that the Maasai man shot the giraffe because one of his cows had been eaten by one of the park's lions, this was his revenge. Then we kept driving and saw so much more. The sun was setting, it was one of the top experiences of my life. breath-taking beauty.

kenya

My trip to Kenya... what to even say about something so huge... I will attempt though.

Blue sky. Bright flowers. Mysterious people. Poor land. Rich spirits. That is my first impression of Kenya. This place is filled with contrast. You see a slum yet bright beautiful flowers surrounding it. You see poverty yet joyful people. You don't see many religious signs and symbols (grand cathedrals and statues of Jesus, like I saw in Spain) but you meet people with such profound and authentic faith.

Each day we did something different and got to touch on a lot of things rather than stay focused on one place and the same people. In that, we saw and did more than I could've imagined, so I will share a few stories.

The orphanage we visited. A 15 year old boy was dying of cancer and was asked by the Make a Wish Foundation what his last wish would be. He said, "to build an orphanage in Africa." They said, "ok what is your second wish?" "To build an orphanage in Africa." "And your third wish?" "To build an orphanage in Africa." And so this boy died and left behind a legacy. As a result of his death 50 African orphans now have a place to live. The 8 of us sat in front of the kids and each one was introduced to us by name and shook each of our hands. Later we played with them and they showed us their rooms. Each has a bunk bed with a basket at the end that holds all of their belongings: a stuffed animal, towel, maybe a change of clothes. They were so sweet and we had the best time with them. As we left Pam got in the van and took off her shoes and gave them to a girl who had holes in hers.

Spring Valley. We put on a women's conference at a school/church in a slum called Spring Valley. THe people who live in this slum used to live in the city. They were poor and lived on the streets and one day they were picked up by a garbage truck and carried off to the slum. The women there were wonderful, joyful, the kids sang and danced for us. I made friends with a bunch of 11 and 12 year old girls who asked me "will you be my friend?" I struggled with the fact that we were standing up there trying to tell these women who have the hardest lives and most painful pasts to "walk by faith, not by sight" and we'd share our stories with about 1/100 of the weight that their stories held. I should be learning how to walk by faith from them! But a few days later we went back there. All of those girls began to give me letters that they had written me telling me how happy we had made them by coming to meet them. That was really neat to go back there and know we made some kind of an impact. We also got to give them lots of money that had been donated from people at Hope.

The safari.. I will have to make another blog about that.

Membley Baptist Church. This was another church we went to visit. Hayley, Ashleigh and I were able to really connect with the 17 year old girls there. During lunch we talked with them about their school and boys and things like that. We laughed together and enjoyed one another. One of them told me she wanted to share her testimony in front of everyone afterward. She started off like this, "I want to share my story for all the mothers in here. My mom was raped and had the choice to have an abortion. I am so thankful my mom didn't abort me. But she had a hard life and always tells me she wishes she would have aborted me." At the end of her story she encouraged the mothers there to love their children because she isn't loved by her mother. Then we all broke into small groups. I went with the girls that I had talked with at lunch. The ones I had been laughing with a few minutes ago and they began to share their stories with us. What intense lives, girls that have tried to commit suicide, who have been abused, who have lost their mothers and family, who are told they are worthless. Yet they all praise God at the end of their stories. I was stunned by their words and their painful pasts, yet the faith they have in God. They are only 17. I barely even knew what to say to them, except that I told them how powerful their stories are and how God can use them and valuable they each are.

ok so i have many other things to say stories to share, I will post more of them later.

story

(That picture was taken in Spain. I was reading the book I read the most while I was there, the Spanish/English dictionary. Katie was visiting me and thought it was hilarious that I just read it for fun sometimes, so she took a picture. I was smiling here, thinking "whatever katie, this is so normal!")

Whenever my mom reads a book, she always turns to the back and reads the ending first and then reads the rest of the story. Then she'll be like, guess what I read a whole book last night! And we'll joke with her, "oh yes, really? the back page and the front page? how was it?" haha

What if our lives were stories? and you could just skip to the last page and read how it will end? Would you do it? I don't know if I would, but I would definitely read ahead to the next couple of chapters. There is this deep desire to know how it's all gonna work out, because it feels secure and like we are in control when we know. I guess I am thinking about this because I find myself wanting the answers about what is next for me in life.

What if one of the greatest gifts God gives us is not letting us read ahead but only finding out a page at a time? Why would that be a gift when sometimes it feels like torture? Maybe because it means I've lost the false sense of control and I find that I, in fact, am not the one writing this story. The plot has been laid, the events have been planned and the story has already been written and I can only trust the Author with the story in which I am only a character. We find out as we go and how much more thrilling the story becomes as life takes wild twists and turns and the creativity of the author bursts through the pages of our lives.

And even more, how effectively would we play our role if we were always concerned about what will happen on the next page and in next chapter instead of fully existing in the page, the plot, the story line of "now".

I know for sure I am going to Kenya on Wednesday. My real desire lately has been to know, "God what will happen after Kenya? Will I get a job? Will this year and end and I will still be living at home?" And all I keep hearing is this: "Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you... take only ways that are firm." ~pr 4:25. and "The Lord will indeed give what is good... Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps." ~ ps 85:13.

So I have arrived to a place where I can thank God and mean it, for not showing me what is next. What is right in front of me? A trip to Kenya. I can be fully there, fully engaged, fully in the moment as I am there with no worries of what is next because I believe He has gone before me, laid the plot, prepared the steps, written the next chapter. All I can know what is now. And that is a gift.