a re-occuring lesson

This is actually an old blog from 2007 when i was living in Spain, but I have been encouraged by it because i am learning the same lesson recently but with a new set of circumstances. (the photo is Christmas time in Spain)

"'today you will be with me in paradise' is what Christ whispers to every dying saint"

I read this quote in a book opened up in someone's bathroom the other night! and I was very encouraged in that bathroom.

Lately I have been experiencing my weakness as God has been sheding light of the width and depth of my sin. I've been seeing my lack of trust as I am about to go through another transition (as I move and as my friends go home for the summer). I'm so in love with where I am and the people around me that I fear to loose them and my fear makes me want to take control... in this uncontrolable situation. So I am faced with the difficult question, does my love for God's gifts exceed my love for him? Can I really loose all for his sake and know that still I am loved beyond measure, beyond anything anyone can offer?

As my awareness of how unworthy I am grows... I wonder why God would even want to use someone like me? I got home the other night discouraged by all this and sat down with my roommates for dinner. Our conversation lasted two hours. For the first time I feel like I was truly able to express my heart and my love for Jesus to them in Spanish. They were talking about how they hate the church because it is so hypocrytical, only wants power, and you must look and act a certain way to go. I told them I know of churches where the genuine desire is to share God's love with broken, sinful, needy people. I said in my church in America (HOPE) people can come just as they are and know they are embraced and loved by God not because they are good, but because He is and Jesus died for this. I told them that He is my life and I love him and enjoy him. I don't think I am perfect because I sin... a lot... every day and every day I ask for forgiveness.

Flora said, "molly I'd like to think like you." and I said "oh you can!" she said "no I can't do the religion thing." I said "you don't have to do anything, it is about what jesus already did for us." she said "and that is the problem, I don't believe in God or Jesus."...and my heart breaks... But I could sense that God's spirit was working in this apartment, in that conversation and I remembered that it is in God's character to use broken, weak people so he gets the glory... maybe that is why he'd like to use someone like me.

Moving on and stepping forward when it is hard and when it hurts is about dying to my selfish desires, dying to my self, laying down my life and walking a step at a time, trusting the One who ultimatley died because he loved me more than himself.

The other night a group of Americans (who are visiting for a prayer conference) and I were sitting around after a dinner on someone's patio and they brought out a guitar and started singing this hymn, "you can have all of this world, give me Jesus, give me Jesus... " And I opened up my hands and let go of my love for these things, these people, this apartment, this time in life, these gifts and sang "you can have them all.... give me Jesus." I am sure this is a process where I will let go and grab back on and let go and grab back on... but I know I am guaranteed help from Him. And I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the next month or the next year, but as I let go of my life and I die to myself... today I am with him in paradise.